Stuart Broad was a highly meme-able cricketer and it turns out that talent now extends into commentary. As Joe Root chopped Mitchell Starc on to his stumps during England’s subsidence on Saturday afternoon, Broad summed up the mood of a nation without uttering so much as a word.
In a clip that has since gone viral, Broad is in the Channel 7 box with his eyes shut, arms folded, letting out an exasperated sigh; the kind of internal “FFS” triggered by a toddler doing the very thing they were just warned against. Watching from the far end as two teammates fall to expansive drives on a bouncy, nippy surface, only to attempt a repeat against Mitchell Star, is a bit like pulling on the cat’s tail. Root did it anyway.
If they have not done so already, it may be time for England’s players to delete the social media apps on their phones. Shutting out the noise has been one of the tenets of Brendon McCullum’s tenure as head coach and, given the opportunity squandered, there is plenty of it around. Understandably so. Perth really was an all-time howler of a collapse that will now test England’s resolve like no other tour. No Pat Cummins and no Josh Hazlewood, Usman Khawaja a passenger with back spasms and Nathan Lyon labouring in the field – never has there been a better chance to go 1-0 up.
One wicket down and leading by 105 just after lunch on day two, England’s middle order batted like just a few finishing touches were required. Looking to score is their default and a good one, too. But after Scott Boland prised open an end, the loose drives from Ollie Pope, Harry Brook and Root en route to losing nine for 99 were not the shots of three senior players. As for Zak Crawley, the early pair at the hands of Starc sent thoughts back to that ordeal against Matt Henry in New Zealand 12 months ago and a duel lost six times out six. Not that England are going to stop sticking coins in this particular slot machine.
In terms of a body blow that risks derailing the entire tour, the challenge now is to prevent Perth becoming their Adelaide 2006, when Shane Warne flipped the script of a Test seemingly destined for a draw and a whitewash ensued. If Ben Stokes can lead a turnaround series win from here, he really will be England’s greatest ever captain; McCullum the ultimate horse whisperer.
Moving on will not be straightforward. Players tend not to stray from the hotels on the subcontinent but here in Australia they like to get out and about. Warm and welcoming though it is, there will be plenty of side-mouthed wisecracks, be they about that ruinous third innings, Starc’s early successes, or Travis Head’s already fabled 69-ball century.
The voices aghast at England’s plan to ignore the two-day match against the Prime Minister’s XI in Canberra next weekend are surely worth heeding. In a plan made weeks ago, Andrew Flintoff’s Lions will fulfil the fixture and, unless there is a late swerve from McCullum, the day-night second Test in Brisbane will be attempted without an in-game refresher course on the vagaries of the pink Kookaburra ball.
The match at Manuka Oval is a big deal here, with Cricket Australia miffed at the expected snub given what it means for their governmental relations. This is not England’s problem per se but the match sits inside what has become an 11-day gap. And unlike the chief reason for the decline of tour games – low-quality opposition – the team are better than the clubbies of the past. There are three Test batters in Peter Handscomb, Sam Konstas and Nathan McSweeney, while Campbell Kellaway is tipped as a future Baggy Green. That said, a young attack led by the 41-year-old Peter Siddle will not replicate Starc’s pink ball wizardry. The pitch is also known to be a pudding that, like the warm-up at Lilac Hill, will not have the bounce of the Gabba. Either way, for a team that have played so little day-night cricket since it was first introduced 10 years ago – seven Tests to Australia’s 14 – the time spent adjusting eyes to that tricky twilight period, be it at the crease or in the field, surely still offers them some benefit.
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Fine if England do not want to risk their quicks, but for a team that preach positivity it sounds as if they are only considering the downside. McCullum said the case against sending even a handful of batters was to “make sure that camaraderie is tight and morale doesn’t drop”. If three or four splitting off really affects this, you have to wonder how tight they actually are.
If this all sounds a bit grumpy, then it is worth saying the nature of the pink ball does offer a route back, even if you may have heard this before about England. Despite shoulders dropping as Head stuck that 205-run target in a blender, the attack did put the frighteners up Australia on day one. But unless there is some honest reflection during this yawning gap and lessons are learned, the memes and the wisecracks will only continue.
