‘The stage is set and England’s job is to command it,’ trailed ITV, more than a tad hopefully, in their opening montage for this Saturday night friendly.
England v New Zealand was always going to be a hard sell. An exercise in acclimatisation, avoiding injury and ‘minutes on the pitch’, which Sam Matterface chanted repeatedly with the zeal of a newly-inducted cult member or Labour frontbencher.
Most of the country had surely decided to pace themselves and were busy soaking up a spot of weekend cloud rather than tuning in.
And this was largely a typically soporific England friendly. New Zealand are aiming for the knockouts according to World Soccer’s tournament guide, but would probably lose to Bristol Rovers on this showing.
So the main intrigue centered on the aesthetics in Tampa Bay, a glimpse into the setting for this supersized World Cup.
Much was made of the pitch beforehand, ‘dry and uneven’ in the words of Ian Wright, and the weather conditions. Morgan Rogers was shimmering during his pre-match interview and there were shots of England fans steadily turning the colour of boiled lobsters.
“No need for a warm-up, it’s warm enough”, was Lee Dixon’s introduction to us all. The natural first response to this was to start counting down the days until mid-July, but Dixon was passable (if Lawrenson-esque) thereafter.
The atmosphere in the stands was more moon than Mundial, with several stretches of play accompanied by England team-mates shouting to each other.
A cheerful Thomas Tuchel defied ITV’s amateur weathermen by not wearing a cap. A bold statement considering his hair-to-scalp ratio, but the legacy of Steve McClaren and his umbrella lives on.
We were told how Marcus Rashford was ‘in great shape’ twice in the first 10 minutes. The first half was marked by several England players, from Harry Kane to Djed Spence, firing in hopeful long shots and treating the crowd to a souvenir. We’d need to see more, but the ball already looks a bit of a floater.
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Then came the hydration break, accompanied by music on the stadium speaker. All very T20. ITV didn’t cut away, but trailed various upcoming matches on the channel. Our prediction is there’ll be a great play in keeping calm and carrying on at first, before gradually backing down and eventually showing ads.
Kane added to his international goal record with a glancing header before half-time; Karen Carney and Roy Keane seemed content back in the studio, although that could’ve been simply from sitting in air-conditioned surroundings.
Chanelling his inner Sven, Tuchel changed the entire XI at half-time and note-keeper Matterface banked the minutes on the pitch.
Anthony ‘now at Barcelona’ Gordon’s elevated status will take some getting used to, but his directness surely makes him favourite to start over Rashford in the tournament proper.
But England’s shrinking insularity was evident as Barcelona, Real Madrid, Bayern Munich and Bayer Leverkusen players pinged the ball to each other. Heartening for those who remember Luther Blissett pining for Rice Krispies in Milan.
The tempo slowed considerably from the start of each half, approaching crawling pace at times as England treated the ball with a continental level of care. This will not be a World Cup of high-pressing.
We were also treated to a debut from Rio Ngumoha, who made something happen almost every time he touched the ball. You already sense tickets are being sold for the Euro 2028 hype train.
Two further points of interest; ITV ran a pre-match feature on the extortionate ticket prices, presumably box ticking before the main action gets underway and we’re implored to forget about all the ‘extra-cirriculars’.
Of the three fans interviewed, only one was not travelling to the World Cup because of costs. This will be music to Infantino’s ears; it’s hard to blame the individual, but what incentive is there for FIFA to lower the cost for future tournaments?
And drink prices for fans were revealed to be even worse. $8.75 for a litre of water? While the players had the game split into four quarters, like a parent cutting up their toddler’s fish fingers?
Tuchel, the England players and ITV all gave the impression of this game being an obligation to grin and get through. It can be hard not to feel the same about the entire World Cup.
