I have two children aged eight and four. My eight-year-old is very bright. She’s in year 3 and doing year 6 maths. Her state school has large classes and limited resources, so I challenge her by doing fun maths at home. I wanted to try getting her into a grammar school (our local state secondaries do not get good results), but lots of local parents pay for their children to have private tutors, which I can’t afford.
I fear my children will be penalised and stuck in a cycle of not fulfilling their potential. This hits personally because I was diagnosed with dyslexia in my 20s after underachieving and disciplinary issues at school. I could be projecting my baggage and putting unnecessary pressure on my children to do better than me. But I feel sad and hopeless at the unfairness of this issue in the education system, and the way the rich will always outrun the poor. Sometimes I wonder if there is any point in trying for something better.
I work hard in a job I love and my salary is OK, but it is unlikely I will ever earn much more. I feel like this now when they are so young, so I think it will only get worse as they get older.
Your line about projecting hit the nail on the head. Your children know nothing yet of jobs, education or achievement. Their needs now are different from what you perceive them to be. Are you right to think about their future? Absolutely. But let’s take a step back.
I went to UKCP registered psychotherapist Sarah Kane, who felt you might be “trying to correct the imbalance you felt in your own childhood. I imagine you felt alienation and shame when you were punished unfairly at school, perhaps even labelled as a disobedient or defiant child. That feels very unfair. But the big difference is that your children have you. The lack of support you suffered may be feeding into your need to offer maximum support now.”
It’s good to separate our own needs, fears and wants from those of our children, which are often very different. What was going on for you at the age your daughter is now? Sometimes things buried deep can be reactivated.
“I’m curious,” continued Kane, “who the maths challenges are fun for. Do you find them fun but feel under pressure to do them? If so you may be removing all the fun for both of you.”
Kane also pointed out that you use “maximising language, such as ‘we will be stuck’; ‘not fulfilling potential’; ‘the rich will always outrun the poor’. When you respond to a situation with maximising language, it can seem futile, insurmountable. Plus, using ‘what if’ statements tends to create anxiety. Rather try using ‘what is’ statements. And what is happening is that your child is bright and you enjoy helping her with learning. There’s so much more to be gained from school than just education. It’s where children learn about making friends, negotiating their needs, playing and socialising as well.”
Kane noticed a theme of “imbalances and extremes in your letter: no support v maximum support; no attention v maximum attention; failure v success”. She also wanted you to be mindful of “splitting” your children or labelling them by saying one is bright. “You could be recreating the unfair system within your own family,” said Kane.
I promise your child won’t be feeling how you are, but she may sense how you feel and want to please you. She’s eight. The whole world is before her. Real learning and development is about failing, curiosity and discovering who we are. It’s not that I don’t agree that the world is unfair – it is. But the things most people want – and can’t buy – are love and being accepted for who they are, so they can develop into who they truly want to be.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
