My husband recently died. It was a protracted illness, but in the three weeks between him being very ill and him passing I did not get to speak to him about death. We had spoken about it earlier in our relationship and he wasn’t frightened. He was the sort of man who didn’t want a fuss and I never lingered by his bedside; I just did what was needed, had a chat and moved on to running the home. I have cried every day since he died.
I have so many recriminations on my part: feelings of not looking after him, not taking the time … We had planned to move in with my daughter part-time, in another part of the country, splitting our time between her house and ours. Now my husband has died, I will be doing this on my own. My dog, who has been such a companion since I lost my husband, died suddenly. He got me through the past six months. I am not equating the profound loss of my husband to my dog, but I feel overwhelmed with grief.
I am so sorry about your husband, and your dog. Grief is overwhelming and there’s a lot going on for you right now. I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Mandy Gosling, who is a specialist in bereavement. “When there is a rapid decline before someone dies,” she said, “it can leave people feeling like they didn’t have the time to say what mattered. However, there was clearly a palpable, loving bond between you, so that you knew him well enough to know what he needed at the time.”
It’s so easy to use hindsight as a way to punish ourselves but, in times of extreme stress, we actually risk assess in the moment, and make the best decision for the actual situation, not an imagined one. “Grief,” said Gosling, “can feel overwhelming, but this is part of a natural adaptive response to loss. In the early days after a bereavement, people can be consumed with these feelings, and this reflects the depth of what has been lost. At the same time, grief is often not constant; people can find themselves moving between intense feelings and also stepping back into everyday life. This gentle movement between the two is an important way of living alongside loss.”
Gosling said that guilt was a “frequent companion” to grief. “It can arise from looking back and wishing things had been different when, in reality, it was a normal, loving relationship with the ups and downs of life. Guilt may be trying to give us a false sense of control by imagining how things could have been different when, in reality, they couldn’t.”
Do you still want to move? This will lead to further disorientation. “There’s also,” said Gosling, “a shift from living as ‘we’ to navigating life as ‘I’.” As well as a loving companion, your dog was also a link to your life before your husband died, and now he’s gone, too.
“Although your husband has died,” Gosling said, “your relationship with him does not simply end. In the early stages of bereavement this can feel unclear, but as the mourning process continues, relationships continue in a different way. There is opportunity to reflect on memories of a shared life, the influence he had, shared expressions with family, to notice him in everyday life. He was a man who lived.”
When things are overwhelming, we can try to look too far ahead. I’ve mentioned before the idea of car headlights on a dark road, but it goes like this: when you’re driving at night you know there’s a road ahead but all you can really do is concentrate on the bit of the road your car lights are shining on. It can make things that bit less daunting. This is what you need to do now. I’m really pleased you have your children, as they will be mourning too; grieving is a solitary job that’s sometimes best done in company.
You may find this podcast I did on grief helpful. And you may also want to look into bereavement counselling.
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Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
