My wife and I have three children and several grandchildren. Our will may contain some surprises for them. Is it better to reveal its contents while we are still alive, or let our beneficiaries discover them when we die?
We gave our children considerable financial help, enabling them to buy their first homes. We have also made sizeable contributions to our grandchildren’s education funds.
Our thinking is that our descendants will need more assistance when they are young: for their education, setting up home, starting a family. And we want to give them the gift of knowing that my wife and I loved them enough to help with these challenges, and that the bequests came from us, not through the generosity of their parents.
My wife’s jewellery goes only to our granddaughters, and the mothers of our grandsons could feel aggrieved that their sons have been passed over. However, we don’t consider the jewellery to have any financial value, as it should never be exchanged for cash.
The financial value of our estate is to be divided one-third to each of the next three generations, with each third divided equally between the members of that generation. We have also stipulated that no generation’s members will receive more than their parent.
If we tell our children the contents of the will now, they may think we are asking for their opinions, which we emphatically are not. Making this clear may result in ill feeling. On the other hand, if they discover the will’s provisions only when we die, there may be room for misunderstanding, again resulting in ill feeling. We have explained our thinking in a document that accompanies the will. I wonder if others have wrestled with these questions and arrived at satisfactory conclusions?
What riches you have with all these children and grandchildren!
I am assuming you live in England and Wales, where you can leave your estate to whomever you want.
I went to lawyer and wills specialist Gary Rycroft, who advised that “there is no legal requirement to tell anyone, including your children, what’s in your will. It is your money, your property and, ultimately, your decision. A will is not decided by a family committee.”
That said, Rycroft and I both advocate discussing things ahead of time. “I’m a fan of transparency,” said Rycroft. “No one likes surprises in wills, especially if the surprise is getting less than expected. And while the will is clear about who gets what, families can be left very unclear about why.”
So, yes, we think you should explain ahead of time. I have seen families torn asunder by unexpected wills. Also, who knows what might happen between now and when the will becomes active. What if you have an argument with a family member and they think the will is retribution (even if it was clearly dated before the row)? Also, remember that it is likely that either you or your wife will die first, so if you decide to talk about it beforehand, it’s best done together.
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Rycroft said to make sure the extra document you mention is a “more formal ‘memorandum of wishes’. The will is still the legally operative document and the memorandum does not rewrite or trump it. Its value is in explaining the decisions.” This stands even if you have a meeting to explain, as people tend to forget what was said or recall only what they want to.
“Remember,” counselled Rycroft, “an inheritance is not just about what you leave behind. It’s also about how a person will be remembered.”
And don’t forget that anyone you leave things to who is over 18 can vary their inheritance, within a time limit, with a deed of variation and change who gets their share. A reminder that, after death, we cannot control those we leave behind.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.