Erling Haaland being a robot is no longer a joke…it actually might be true

Pro-VAR Manchester City forward Erling Haaland being a robot is no longer a playful joke – it actually might be true.

Haaland has scored 17 goals in 13 matches across all competitions this season and has broken and set all sorts of records since joining Man City from Borussia Dortmund in 2022.

Erling Haaland for Man City: His best stats

• Quickest player to reach 50 Premier League goals
• Scored as many Premier League hat-tricks as Leicester and West Ham
• Took 19 games to score 4 Premier League hat-tricks – the previous record was 65 games

With his brace against Bournemouth on Sunday, the Norwegian became the third player in Premier League history to score two or more goals in four successive home games, after Robbie Fowler and Luis Suarez.

One player Haaland has quickly adapted to playing in front of is £34million summer signing Rayan Cherki, who assisted both of his goals against Andoni Iraola’s side to become the only player in Europe’s top five leagues to provide multiple assists in five games in all competitions this year.

Haaland discussed many things in Tuesday’s pre-match press conference ahead of Wednesday’s Champions League clash against his former side, Dortmund, including his blossoming relationship with Cherki, likening the Frenchman’s quality to Man City legend and ex-team-mate Kevin De Bruyne.

“He’s a good guy with amazing qualities, as we can all see,” Haaland said of Cherki. “It’s about playing football to get the best out of everyone, the same with him.

“We need to help him in his free mind as a No.10 to pass the ball to me and to attacking players.

“He has this kind of special ability which is difficult to explain – a little bit like Kevin had, where he can just pass someone through from wherever on the pitch.

“He’s a special talent and we need to help him develop even more because he can be really good.”

Those comments were Haaland being human. But some of what he said later was quite… robotic.

We’ve joked for years about Haaland being a ‘Nordic robot’, but he actually might be. His robot celebration against Bournemouth is just the tip of the iceberg.

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Erling Haaland: Pro-VAR and precision-engineered

First off, the guy is pro-VAR, which is unusual. Secondly, he knows exactly how many times he’s been called offside in the Premier League (18). No, he wasn’t scrolling FBRef before the press conference — he is FBRef.

Haaland says he hates being offside and doesn’t appreciate people being surprised that he hasn’t been flagged once in the Premier League this season.

“It’s not the first season I’m never offside, come on,” he said. “I think from when I came to Man City I’ve been offside 18 times. So 18 times in three-and-a-half years is OK, I think.

“It’s a thing that’s quite in my game – I hate to be offside.”

Haaland has benefitted from practising how not to be offside since he was 13 years old and actually likes VAR — as one of the few players who can say it’s helped him. Without it, guessing linesmen would’ve wrongly flagged plenty of his perfectly legal goals.

“If you’re offside now with VAR, no chance, and I think VAR has helped me even more because you get the decision – simple as that.

“And when you barely go offside, it’s a good chance that if there’s an offside situation, most likely I will not be offside.

“It’s something I’ve been working on since I was 13 years old in Bryne, and I’m still playing the same kind of way. Just now I’m quicker, better, faster – and play for Man City instead of Bryne.”

‘I’m just Erling’ – or are you?

The robot allegations are growing stronger by the day, and he knows it, swiftly attempting to convince everyone that he’s just a Norwegian guy called Erling.

Asked about comparisons to Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, the 25-year-old replied: “No, not at all. Far off. No one can get close to them two, so no.

“I’m a Norwegian guy, and for me I should not think I am something just because I’m scoring goals. Simple as that. I’m just Erling and this is something that will never change.”

We’ve got our eye on you, matey.