Since the start of our relationship, more than 20 years ago, I was aware my husband had a strong work ethic.
But I am beginning to resent the time he spends working, which often includes late nights and weekends when an emergency happens.
It has a big impact on our family life, and my daughter is often let down. When I try to discuss the effect of this on our family life I am told I have to accept it. I am feeling less willing to do so as time goes on. I also have a demanding job, yet I manage this as well as running the house.
Often I think I would feel happier if it was just me and my daughter. He’s not a bad person. I just wonder if life would be better on my own. Having witnessed breakups with friends the same age, it seems so hard to do, but perhaps it’s the right thing.
Or maybe the grass is always greener. And we made a commitment to each other. I’m chasing my tail around in the circle of morality.
You did make a commitment – to each other, ie he also made a commitment to you. You ask if you would be better off alone, but it seems you are alone a lot of the time. You didn’t tell me what your husband does, nor how truly credible it is that he “often” needs to work so late and at weekends. I can only hope and presume he’s a doctor and he’s saving lives. Nor did you tell me what he’s like when all three of you are on holiday.
I went to psychotherapist Chris Mills, who pointed out that your husband’s commitment to his work “may be how he feels most effective in contributing to the stability and welfare of his family”. But it seems excessive, and sometimes when people spend that long at work it’s because they are avoiding something. Or – I have to say it – they have a whole other, secret, life.
Being told you have to accept it is not acceptable. If you’re not allowed to bring up points of unhappiness, then this isn’t a partnership. But Mills said, “If the challenges [you make] always come across as criticisms, without any respect being shown, his defensiveness is not surprising.”
I would add that if he has never let you discuss these things then he’s not showing you respect either.
Mills said: “When you describe your husband as ‘not a bad person’ this suggested to me that you no longer have any significant feelings of love for him, in which case a separation would probably be the kindest solution for both of you. But if you do still love him then my recommendation would be to seek outside professional help with learning how to communicate around difference and difficulties.”
You sound very down about this and I’m not surprised. Mills and I discussed your point about morality. He said: “I’m not sure any moral purpose is served by staying with someone you no longer love and don’t particularly like [if that is the case]. But I wonder if framing the issue around how hard your husband works is a way of trying to find moral justification for some guilt you may feel about no longer wanting to hold to the commitment you originally made to him.”
I note the use of the term “my daughter” – that to me suggests a splitting off of the two of you. I realise vows and commitments are serious, but they are not shackles. With the caveats mentioned, if this is no longer working for you it’s really OK to say so.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
