Name: The potato bed.
Age: About two months.
Appearance: The cosiest way to achieve spinal distress.
Is this sleeping on potatoes? Is it sleeping like potatoes? Neither, really. A potato bed is a hot new method of sleep that is huge on TikTok.
Fine. Explain. To make a potato bed, you have to place a fitted sheet upside down on top of your bed.
Got it. Now, stuff the edges with as many pillows and blankets as you like, creating a soft, thick rim. Finally, layer blankets and duvets in the empty space in the middle, and stretch a duvet over the top. Look upon your creation and tell me what you see.
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It looks like what my dog sleeps in. No! It’s a potato bed! It’s a soft and cosy cocoon that you can sleep in, swaddled like a newborn against the harshness of the world.
I share a bed with my spouse. Not any more you don’t. You have created peak luxury cosiness, but there’s only space for one. Tell them to sleep on the floor. This isn’t about them.
Also, this seems horrifically soft and uneven. Look, if you want to be picky, an unsupported sleeping surface like this might exacerbate back pain. And some sleep experts have noted that the setup will make you far too warm to achieve a state of restorative sleep. And you definitely don’t want to make a potato bed for young children, because of the suffocation risk. But you do want to protect yourselves against the horrors of the world, right?
Honestly, I just want a decent night’s sleep. Oh, I see, you’re boring. In that case you’ll need a properly supportive mattress. You might also find a dark, quiet room useful, and avoiding caffeine and electronics in the run-up to bedtime. But listen, nobody ever went viral on TikTok by being sensible.
What about pillows? For the potato bed? It doesn’t even matter. A potato bed will take anything you’ve got. Pillows, cushions, blankets, straw, bits of scrunched-up newspaper – whatever it takes to make a cocoon.
Weird that people are suddenly trying to improve something as simple as sleep. Not really. The so-called “sleep economy” is growing every year, and was said to be worth $585bn (£422bn) in 2024. People will pay through the nose to get a better night’s sleep.
What for? You name it. Better mattresses. Weighted blankets. Eye masks. Wearable sleep trackers. Earbuds that play white noise through the night at you. Everyone is exhausted, and they’re banking on tech to fix it.
I can’t afford any of that. Well, you have two options. You could stop necking coffee in the afternoon and try being on your phone less.
Nope, boring. Then you should probably just pack a fitted sheet full of soft furnishings and pray that your spine doesn’t explode. Whatever works.
Oh, all right, I’ll get in my potato bed then. Sure. You’re all messed up anyway, so you might as well get some clicks.
Do say: “A potato bed is the best way to hide from the world.”
Don’t say: “Because you’ll spend all your time at the chiropractor’s.”
