I am a 38-year-old woman with three kids and a husband. I often find myself expecting people to disappoint me, and make appointments anticipating that they will back out at the last minute. I then start to play the role of the victim, the friend who has been let down, and this whole narrative begins in my head.
I may invite a friend to something, but then come up with all the reasons why the thing is stupid and they wouldn’t want to come. I downplay it, saying: “Oh, it’s nothing fun”, and “Don’t worry if you can’t come”, even though I know I would have a great time.
I’d love to let go of this mentality of preemptively thinking my friends will let me down, or that I’m not worth making time for. Any tips on how to move through these moments with compassion towards myself and others?
Psychoanalytic psychotherapist Susanna Abse and I thought you were amazingly insightful. Not many people can look at their own behaviour and thoughts in this way. As Abse said: “You’ve done half the work of therapy, which is to notice relational patterns and own them. I’m impressed with this level of insight, although I sense it has led you to feel self-critical and bad about yourself.”
To function well, friendships and relationships need two baseline ingredients: confidence and a feeling of safety. Without these, emotional intimacy can’t ensue and we find it hard to make plans and to communicate how we feel effectively.
Abse thought you may feel like this because it’s your default – probably (as so many things) formed in childhood. “We all have narratives and scripts in our heads about the nature of relationships, and generally they are shaped by childhood experiences. So I’m wondering if perhaps you experienced traumatic moments of being let down? This is hard enough in adulthood, but in childhood if the people you depend on most (parents usually) let you down repeatedly you are likely to develop a belief that it’s going to happen again. And perhaps even that it happens because you deserve it, or because you’re not very lovable. Not only that, but perhaps expecting to be disappointed is somehow easier than expecting to be pleased and liked?”
I would add that it’s not just parents who can do this to you, but siblings too. I wonder if any of this resonates?
Abse explained that sometimes we adopt a victim position almost as a form of defence – using pessimism as protection. “Being hopeful and expectant that good things will come our way, that people will like and love us, means that if we are let down there’s further to fall. So adopting the victim position, before you find yourself actually becoming a victim, kind of protects you. You’re in charge, and there are no nasty surprises that might trigger the kind of feelings that perhaps you had in childhood when bad things happened.”
I would take some time to think about where these feelings come from. If they are ingrained, they are likely to have been learned. But please try to be compassionate with yourself. It may also help you get perspective if you think about situations where you may have let others down – not to make you feel worse, but to help you realise that we often have to change plans, and it’s just about life’s challenges and nothing to do with how we feel about people.
I remember a friend once asked why I was “always” cancelling on her. I said: “Actually I don’t. You cancelled the last two times” – she had forgotten. But her internal narrative (learned in childhood) was being cancelled on, so that’s all she saw: the reality was different.
Also remember it’s one thing to expect to be disappointed, but another to self-sabotage and say to someone, “Don’t worry if you can’t come,” if it actually matters to you. Just leave that bit out and – here’s where confidence comes in – say, “I’d love to see you,” and leave the rest to them.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
