England needn’t bother playing a World Cup semi-final against ‘dirty’ Argentina and Lionel Messi’s ‘favourite referee’, even with Phil Neville’s expert advice.
Again, someone really should consider this game not going ahead at all because it is going to lead to some awful nonsense.
Lionel’s den
If England are panicking about their pre-match preparations for the World Cup semi-final against Argentina then fear not, because The Times columnist Phil Neville is here to drop some knowledge:
‘I managed against Messi in May. This is how Tuchel should tweak England’
Don’t swap shirts(?), be mindful of Rodrigo De Paul, don’t concede free-kicks around the box and start Djed Spence are his helpful pointers; hopefully Tuchel has a notepad and pen to hand.
Oh, while you’re here, Phil, what actually happened in that game?
‘My players actually did a decent job but still we lost 2-0. [Messi] scored their first; a ball from Telasco Segovia and a left-footed shot into the corner. For the second, we simply lost possession and they hit us with a quick break. One pass from Messi and Germán Berterame had doubled their lead.’
Ah.
The ref word
In other Messi news, this is top of the MailOnline:
‘Lionel Messi gets his favourite referee for England vs Argentina World Cup semi-final despite conspiracy theories that tournament is ‘rigged”
It’s a weird ‘despite’ – surely it fuels the conspiracy theories rather than disproving them?
And what makes Ismail Elfath the ‘favourite referee’ of Messi? Well he was the fourth official for the 2022 final, and has since refereed a few MLS games that Messi has won. And Messi famously barely wins any games so is bound to nudge FIFA in the direction of the ones who oversee his rare victories.
England are basically screwed.
Pick of the bunch
‘WE MUST KEEPER OUR COOL’ screams the back page of The Sun, with Jordan Pickford ‘wary of Argie wind-up antics’. So he should be; Messi’s ‘favourite referee’ is in charge.
Pickford has nevertheless ‘vowed England will keep their heads in the face of Argentina’s dark arts’, and ‘ordered’ them to ‘defy’ Emi Martinez specifically (he actually only praises him because obviously).
It’s an awful lot of evocative words to draw from some quite anodyne quotes about how “we’ve been very respectful within the game,” that “decisions go our way, they don’t go our way”, but “we let the football do the talking,” and “we don’t get wrapped up in things like that”.
Pickford said precisely nothing about Argentina’s ‘wind-up antics’ or ‘dark arts’ – probably in part because they have six yellow cards to England’s seven bookings and one red – and basically just praised his team’s game management and discipline, albeit with a wonderful “apart from Jarell” caveat.
But yes, he rocked up at a press conference and yelled “WE MUST KEEPER OUR COOL” against those pesky, wind-up merchants with a better disciplinary record Argies.
Argie bargy
You do have to admire how, no matter what answer Pickford gave to some leading questions in the build-up, the stories were basically already written and the narrative was set in stone:
Brave England must be careful against despicable Argentina. And something, something, David Beckham in 1998.
That is how you get the Daily Mirror shouting ‘DON’T LOOK BECK IN ANGER’, and Pickford insisting ‘England are far to [sic] streetwise’ for Argentina’s ‘dirty tricks’.
Or the Daily Mirror website reporting on Pickford’s ‘David Beckham vow’ (he doesn’t even vaguely allude to him, never mind mention him by name) ‘as England star sends referee Argentina warning’.
The Argentina warning sent to the referee in full:
“The football will do its talking and regarding the referees, that’s their job.”
Attempts to channel Roy Keane: one.
Warnings sent to the dodgy referee about dirty, dark arts-deploying Argentina (who have fewer yellow and red cards than England at this World Cup): zero.
Fast and furious
Proof of the filthy, rule-bending obstacles England must overcome on Wednesday evening is offered in this Daily Express website headline:
‘FIFA sent furious demand to suspend Argentina star for England clash after rule breach’
FIFA will surely take the ‘furious demands’ of two Twitter users and a couple of people on Reddit entirely seriously.
You are cursed
The Sun website is in superstition overdrive, offering evidence of both a ‘lucky’ Argentina kit and a 36-year ‘curse’ on England’s semi-final opponents.
The kit stuff is linked to Argentina’s ‘special’/’urgent request’ to, as the designated ‘away’ team, play in their designated ‘away’ shirt, as they did in omen-encouraging World Cup wins over England in 1986 and 1998.
They also did in an omen-defying World Cup defeat to England in 1962. Oh and…
‘There is a blip in the theory with England beating Argentina in their dark blue shirt in 2005.’
So there is a slight chance England will be okay. Even more so thanks to this ‘curse’…
‘ARGENTINA haven’t beaten a former World Cup champion without penalties since Brazil in 1990.’
It’s an interesting point but that caveat is doing an awful lot of heavy lifting: Argentina beat a former World Cup champion with penalties in a semi-final in that 1990 tournament, beat former World Cup champions England with penalties in 1998 and won the sodding World Cup by beating the reigning champions with penalties in the last final.
And surely the ‘luck’ of wearing a dark blue kit counters the ‘curse’ of playing Germany quite a lot and being managed by Diego Maradona anyway?
Holt! Who goes there?
Writes Oliver Holt in the Daily Mail:
‘When everyone has stopped accusing a television journalist of treason for asking a couple of questions he had to pose in order to do his job properly – and ITV’s Gabriel Clarke is very good at his job – maybe they ought to think about a question he didn’t ask.’
Not sure Clarke had to entirely fabricate a Thomas Tuchel quote to his face, then completely misrepresent his thoughts in a leading question to Jude Bellingham, ‘to do his job properly’.
Weirdest opening paragraph of the day
‘If England go on to achieve ultimate success at the World Cup, there is an outside chance Jude Bellingham will think it is despite Thomas Tuchel rather than because of him’ – Andy Dunn, Daily Mirror.
Thankfully it’s about as much of ‘an outside chance’ as Max Dowman making the England squad.
