INGLEWOOD, Calif.—Pretty nifty, yeah? All those goals from the United States soccer team—phew! Does anyone need to lie down on an official FIFA-issued fainting couch? (Only $7,099 per fainting spell, subject to dynamic pricing, no free public transportation to the couch.)
At the least, Friday’s high-scoring, history-making 4-1 victory over Paraguay should deliver a momentary respite from the clammy tension that hovers over the men’s national team at this ever-controversial, freshly premiered 2026 North American World Cup.
(Hey I said momentary respite! This is the USMNT. People will soon find something to start screaming and panicking about.)
In the meantime, what’s the expression? Don’t look a joyful one-sided Cup-opening victory over the world’s 40th-ranked soccer team in the mouth?
Never before had a U.S. men’s team scored like this. Four goals is the USMNT’s highest tally ever in a Cup game—it’s the biggest margin of victory since (yup you guessed it) a 3-0 U.S. romp over Belgium in 1930. Brooklyn-born Folarin Balogun scored two goals, becoming the first U.S. man to score multiple goals in a Cup game since (yup you guessed it) Bert Patenaude’s hattrick at the same 1930 tournament.
“A dreamy night,” the 24-year-old Balogun called it.
It was a dominant display at Stan Kroenke’s Luxury Bathtub, aka SoFi Stadium, blandly rebranded for this as Los Angeles Stadium because FIFA won’t hand anyone a free lunch. Despite anxiety about pricey tickets leading to unsold seats, the room was announced as full at 70,492. Katy Perry sang. Leo DiCaprio wore a baseball cap and hoped people wouldn’t know it was Leo DiCaprio. Pitchside dignitaries included FIFA boss Gianni Infantino, U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Hollywood skydiving instructor Tom Cruise and Sir David Beckham, the U.K.’s Prime Minister of Handsome.
A World Cup is habitually a fraught affair, and this new one is no different—even after FIFA awarded President Trump a bespoke peace prize, there’s been a deluge of stories about greedy pricing, expensive transportation, feuding hostsand visa crises. Just says ago, a referee from Somalia was denied entry and sent away.
Asked about these issues at a press conference this week, Infantino offered a glib response.
“Chill,” he said. “Relax.
If you were seeking pessimism, Friday’s game wasn’t the place to look. The stadium was awash in fans wearing their Where’s Waldo red striped jerseys. Paraguayans showed up in droves, too. A room built for the NFL Rams and co-occupied by the squatter Chargers felt like a proper football cathedral.
Inspired by the crowd, the U.S. men came out sharp. Hershey Pa.’s Christian Pulisic set up a sequence that led to a Paraguay own goal, and then, not long after, zipped a centering pass to the 24-year-old Balogun to make it 2-0. As the first half wrapped, a streaking Balogun added a second goal to make it 3-0.
Are we still saying halves? Another rumpus at this World Cup concerns the installation of hydration breaks at the midway point of each half. Depending on whom you talk to, it’s either A) wise in a hot summer or B) a quirky interruption which turns soccer into a four quarter exercise. Naturally, they’re branded: FIFA’s hydration breaks are sponsored by Powerade sports drink, because of course they are.
Yes: this is the part where you start howling about the expansion of this World Cup from 32 to 48 teams and how the competition is diluted and the U.S. men were gifted a mellow bracket with Paraguay, Turkey and Australia.
All very true! Here’s an alternative: enjoy it.
This team takes more than enough guff. The U.S. men aren’t a powerhouse, but they’re not a doormat, either. They’re something more frustrating and murky. You could call them perpetually hopeful but chronically underwhelming. More than anything, they are obsessively second-guessed.
It’s a little silly. For a nation that still gets diminished as a soccer outsider, the U.S. sure produces a lot of soccer know-it-alls, and the men get a lot of unsolicited wisdom from the homeland. Everyone but the neighborhood squirrels seems to have an opinion about how they should develop talent and play.
(Then there are, I’m guessing, the 10 million or so youth soccer parents in America, who are tired of spending weekends in sterile hotels with overly chlorinated pools but have plenty of thoughts about the state of the sport and what their sons and daughters could do if only given the chance.)
Expectations are nothing and everything. No one in their right mind thinks the USMNT will win this Cup. But they’re one of three host nations, and no host wants an embarrassing result.
What constitutes a satisfactory result is a matter of debate. Getting out of the group is considered the bare minimum at Gianni Expand-o-Cup, where a hefty 32 teams will advance to the knockout round.
Make the round of 16? That would be solid. Quarters? Much cooler. Anything else would be remarkable. There’s a lot more soccer to come, and it will be weeks before the U.S. faces a team with real teeth. This whole thing’s getting started. Chill, relax.
Email: jason.gay@wsj.com
