We attempt to get into the mind of Thomas Tuchel to predict his England World Cup squad, first forcing our way past the ‘why the hell did I take this bloody job?’ intrusive thoughts.
That defeat to Senegal was really quite rotten and has made us all quite miserable about England’s World Cup prospects – they remain in the upper reaches of our power ranking but that really might be just muscle memory.
We predicted in March that we would not see much change by June, but secretly we hoped that some Tuchel masterplan would emerge. But we suspect that really he is just hoping that one man just scores some goals…
1) Harry Kane (1)
Remember when we all worried about who would replace Harry Kane at the 2026 World Cup after he was pretty rotten at Euro 2024? Good times. Now we all just hope he stays fit as he is England’s Plan A, B and C. He is the only player to start all four games under Thomas Tuchel and the only player to find the net over this international break.
England looked better when he left the pitch against Senegal, but crucially England did not score another goal after he left the pitch against Senegal.
Shame none of the goals count.
2) Jude Bellingham (2)
Whether as a deep-lying midfielder or one of two attacking 10s, we doubt that there is a scenario where Bellingham is not part of Tuchel’s starting XI. Did he enhance his case against Andorra and Senegal? No, but Bellingham is way past the point where he needs his case enhancing.
3) Declan Rice (3)
Missed against Andorra but then sank among the crud v Senegal, though we are giving him some rope because the Arsenal players all look a bit knackered after a long season. And let’s face it, we have no choice but to give him some rope because – along with Kane, Bellingam and Jordan Pickford – his inclusion in England’s first-choice XI is guaranteed.
4) Jordan Pickford (4)
As we said in March: ‘Remains largely unchallenged in England’s net and nobody really worries too much about that any more for a man behind only Peter Shilton in terms of caps in England’s goal. And unlike Shilton, Pickford can jump.’ He has to; he has tiny arms.
5) Bukayo Saka (5)
We promise we will make a change from March sooner or later, but Saka will not be one to give way, however impressive Noni Madueke was against Andorra. Largely because that is an inherently ridiculous sentence.
6) Eberechi Eze (22)
‘We make no apologies for absolutely loving the idea that Eze might emerge as a key player in Tuchelball over the next year and a bit. He is one of our favourites, and we’re choosing to read a huge amount into Tuchel’s instant reaction to him scoring a goal by doing exactly what he’d been asking his wingers to do more of,’ we wrote in March.
Are we moving him up this far just to feel alive? Maybe. Will we feel silly in September? We don’t think so…especially if he joins a Champions League club this summer. He was the pick of a very poor bunch v Senegal. Paul Scholes thinks Manchester United should ‘just buy him’; we think he deserves better.
7) John Stones (9)
Absolutely needs a transfer this summer; a mid-table Premier League club would give him the football he needs to stretch his international career into a sixth international tournament. We have seen nothing yet in centre-half appearances by Ezri Konsa, Marc Guehi, Dan Burn, Levi Colwill and Trevoh Chalobah under Tuchel to suggest that a fit John Stones does not walk straight back into an England XI.
8) Ezri Konsa (10)
Definitely the most assured of the five centre-halves who have played for England under Tuchel, he was as close to excellent as any England centre-half could possibly be against Andorra. And the last time Konsa and Stones started an England game together, they beat Finland 2-0. We will not linger on their actual performances because we are already feeling quite sad.
9) Trent Alexander-Arnold (8)
Yet to start for Tuchel’s England but we cannot shake the feeling that post-Real Madrid move, and with the coaching of Xabi Alonso, Alexander-Arnold will emerge as England’s first-choice right-back. He does face serious competition from Tuchel favourite Reece James, but he is regrettably made of balsa wood.
10) Reece James (11)
Decent at left-back to add to his excellent performance at right-back v Latvia. Once again, right-back is the position where England genuinely have options. Which really should put an end to Kyle Walker. His England career, not his life.
11) Myles Lewis-Skelly (7)
We got really, really giddy in March and declared MLS to be ‘England’s left-back for the next 15 years’. After a poor performance against Senegal, we’re sort of almost sticking with that, but only because England have no other left-backs that aren’t actually centre-backs or right-backs. And the lad is only 18 and probably quite tired.
12) Marc Guehi (6)
Ordinarily, missing a very poor international break might boost the chances of the absent, but Guehi was dodgy v Latvia in March so was hardly in Tuchel’s good books. Much better to miss all of the matches like Stones.
13) Curtis Jones (17)
Because you can never have too many right-backs – orthodox or otherwise – in an England World Cup ladder. Was undoubtedly one of the winners in March and was picked to play out of position against Andorra and did, well, alright. The worry must be that he will play even less football with Liverpool next season once Florian Wirtz enters the building.
14) Anthony Gordon (14)
We think Tuchel is a big fan – he would have started him ahead of Marcus Rashford against Latvia had he been fit – and we suspect he would have been pleased with his direct running and enthusiastic pressing against Senegal. Though not so much with his finishing.
15) Morgan Rogers (20)
One of five players to figure in all four games of Tuchel’s reign, and at a time when we are struggling to see the ladder for the trees, we have to take that as a massive hint that the German is a fan. Started and did okay v Andorra after being bright against Latvia in March.
16) Jordan Henderson (21)
We did not see this redemption arc coming, but Tuchel clearly took one, sad look at his midfield options and decided that Henderson still had a role to play. To be fair, he doesn’t need legs to point.
17) Ollie Watkins (13)
It would be wise to actually be fit enough to play for England at some point, but this ‘just sit back and watch nobody else challenge Harry Kane’ schtick is paying dividends so far. We will presume he is still England’s second-choice striker until demonstrated otherwise.
18) Cole Palmer (15)
On the one hand, he is clearly an excellent player. On the other hand, he has been in a slump for some time. “At the moment, I think that even Cole struggled lately at Chelsea to have an impact,” said Tuchel last week. And he really was poor v Andorra. Is he a squad shoo-in? Probably. Does he face a battle to get into the starting XI ahead of Eberechi Eze, for example? God yes.
19) Dean Henderson (24)
We have the answer to the ‘who is England’s second-choice keeper?’ question after he started – and was very much tested – v Senegal.
20) Marcus Rashford (16)
An awful lot is going to depend on where he lands this summer but it’s hard not to think that Rashford remains a very solid squad option as he offers cover both wide and up front. And Tuchel clearly likes the cut of his rather quick jib.
21) Phil Foden (18)
He asked to be left out of this squad as he is clearly not in a great place. The hope will be that about 10 minutes of rest – either side of the Club World Cup – he will return to something approaching his best. The good news for him is that very few players made a case for their inclusion in his absence.
22) Noni Madueke (38)
The only real bright spot v Andorra, justifying his inclusion at the expense of Jarrod Bowen. Tuchel has indicated many times that he likes footballers comfortable with carrying the ball at pace and Madueke offers exactly that.
23) Morgan Gibbs-White (28)
First off the bench v Senegal and we are taking that as a sign that Tuchel sees him as a solution in any of those roles behind or alongside the striker/Harry Kane.
24) Conor Gallagher (36)
Are we convinced by Gallagher’s inclusion? Absolutely not. Should we shoehorn in another left-back as we only have one? Maybe. But the Atletico Madrid midfielder started alongside Rice in midfield v Senegal and Kobbie Mainoo has not been recalled despite being fit, so for now he keeps his place. Though Tuchel looked physically sick after watching him pick the wrong pass v Senegal. We feel you. Thomas.
25) James Trafford (25)
Was picked by Tuchel when he was a Championship keeper; he will certainly be picked by Tuchel now he is back in the Premier League, especially if he ousts Nick Pope at Newcastle.
26) Levi Colwill (26)
We have him as our fourth-choice centre-back but that might be largely because we cannot envisage Dan Burn in a World Cup squad at the age of 34. We hoped that Colwill would move up the ladder after starting v Senegal, but he a) was ropey and b) is way behind Konsa, Stones and Guehi as it stands. It’s not great, is it?
READ: Tuchel will resign before the World Cup as Bellingham moment sums up England ‘overrating’
27) Kyle Walker (12)
He should never play for England again. That is all.
28) Kobbie Mainoo (19)
Had he returned to fitness and returned to the Manchester United midfield, he would surely have returned to the England fold. But Ruben Amorim left him on the bench for most of the Europa League final so Tuchel left him entirely out of his England squad.
29) Dan Burn (39)
‘Has to be at genuine risk of lifetime membership of the One-Cap Wonder club’ was wide of the mark in March, but we would be absolutely fine with him joining the lesser-hyped Two-Cap Wonder club after that really ropey performance v Andorra.
30) Ivan Toney (RE)
Recalled and then sent on for a few minutes against Senegal. He will be ‘fuming’. How the hell is he supposed to become the second-choice striker who plays a few minutes in a World Cup dead rubber if he does not get the chance to score some goals away from the Middle East?
31) Liam Delap (37)
Play and score for Chelsea and he will catapult up this ladder, definitely past Toney and likely past Watkins.
32) Tino Livramento (33)
Always a chance as a right-back who can play at left-back, even in this post-Southgate world. He was at least in Tuchel’s first squad and might have been in this one but for England Under-21 duty.
33) Trevoh Chalobah (NE)
The final centre-half to play under Tuchel and it’s fair to say that he offered no compelling reason for a second cap. But we said that about Dan Burn…
34) Jarrod Bowen (23)
Moved his wedding to accommodate England duty; should not have moved his wedding to accommodate England duty.
35) Jack Grealish (31)
Simply needs to go get himself some football.
36) Luke Shaw (29)
We remain sceptical that Shaw will ever be quite fit enough to play as a conventional full-back ever again, but there is such a dearth of left-backs, that he must remain in the picture.
37) Jarell Quansah (27)
With the Under-21s, which is definitely the right place for Quansah until he gets some regular football, probably away from Liverpool.
38) Dominic Solanke (32)
Fifth-choice England striker? You’ll never sing that.
39) Jobe Bellingham (NE)
Now a Borussia Dortmund player so the door will certainly be open for the former Borussia Dortmund manager.
40) Jarrad Branthwaite (40)
The competition is really not good. Astonishing really that he has been leapfrogged by Burn and Chalobah.
41) Aaron Ramsdale (34)
42) Lewis Hall (30)
43) Adam Wharton (41)
44) Ethan Nwaneri (49)
45) Nick Pope (42)
46) Harry Maguire (44)
47) Djed Spence (45)
48) Rico Lewis (43)
49) Harvey Elliott (NE)
50) Phil Neville (50)
