In the end, the difference between the two sides was a one-goal margin through a contentious penalty. It is the outcome most expect from the other Champions League semi-final first leg between Atletico Madrid and Arsenal, admittedly without the other eight goals.
The common consensus as an absurd celebration of attacking football unfolded on Tuesday evening was that the tournament winners were on show at the Parc des Princes; that Paris Saint-Germain will retain their crown in May, unless this was the metaphoric preamble to Bayern Munich wrestling it away in the final.
But as the dust settled, the lamentations of how this so thoroughly exposed the vapid limitations of English football were countered with arguments about farmer’s leagues and winter breaks, and the collective giddiness wore off, it was time for the adults to enter the room, turn out the light and restore a semblance of sensible structure.
While the commentary team quite literally thanked the players for the privilege and honour of breathing the same “rarefied air” – as Jon Champion put it – the European champion pundits were less than impressed.
Wayne Rooney criticised the “immature”, “schoolboy” defending. Clarence Seedorf pointed out that “the clean sheet was always sacred” and mused that the goalkeepers might not have shared the same enjoyment levels as their seemingly singularly forward-thinking team-mates.
Matvey Safonov produced two saves but conceded four times; Manuel Neuer kept out none of the five shots on target he faced.
Harry Kane, with as straight a face as he could muster, offered the unimprovably hilarious line that “even through there were nine goals, there was amazing defending”.
It was the highest-scoring Champions League semi-final leg in history. It was phenomenal to watch. It felt like a Ballon d’Or audition at times between about five of the frontrunners.
Luis Diaz was exceptional, winning the first penalty and scoring the sublime last goal. Khvicha Kvaratskhelia and Desire Doue were irresistible, scoring and assisting twice respectively. Michael Olise sparkled. Ousmane Dembele glistened. Thesauri the world over disintegrated through sheer unrelenting pressure.
Harry Kane scored a penalty, dropped deep and was widely praised for it by the same people who will admonish him in the summer. But Bayern’s runners are not England’s and so he can freely drift into the centre circle before playing a perfect ball into Diaz to control preposterously well, touch and finish, the Colombian having timed his run to perfection.
Although as Jon Champion pointed out, Bayern “are not content with the front four that they’ve got – they want Anthony Gordon as well!“.
The witheringly matter-of-fact response from Alan Shearer as he briefly donned his depressed Newcastle cap – “he wouldn’t get in this team” – was arguably the game’s most entertaining moment.
Perhaps it was actually 5ft 9ins Joao Neves scoring a header from a set-piece as capable as 6ft 1in Dayot Upamecano.
Or maybe it was Mark Clattenburg yet again adeptly applying the referee expert’s curse – twice.
“That should not be a penalty kick,” he said after a long-winded explanation which was immediately undermined by Sandro Scharer pointing to the spot for an undeniably soft spot kick.
“It’s that tight, even though they’ve got the semi-automated offside, this will need a further check to make sure 100%,” he stated at almost the precise moment Scharer pointed to the centre circle to clear Diaz’s goal after a mercifully brief check.
Clattenburg’s performance was about as effective as that of the defenders who were essentially rendered moot for large swathes of an engrossing, insatiable game.
Mikel Arteta has never managed a match with as many as nine goals scored, while even this vulnerable version of Atletico remains some way from constructing a display as lopsided towards the attack as this under Diego Simeone.
Their likely attritional 1-0 either way at the Metropolitano on Wednesday will cleanse the palate after this unrealistic snoozefest.
